If we had had a honeymoon baby, it would be alive and well by now, blinking and breathing and being. That’s how much time has passed, since you and I tied our knot. So short, and yet so long!
I’ve contemplated every month about writing a “from where we stand” but every month am so intimidated, or too busy, or too tired, or just plain forgetful. And yet there’s this quiet undergirding sense of mounting panic, that the days are slipping by and I won’t remember them later. Already it’s a blur – what was it like, at 3 months? 6 months? What were those silly things we fought about that felt so real at the time, but seem so dinky and inconsequential now?
It’s so hard to put into words what this past 9 months has been. People ask, and I struggle to answer. It’s complex. It’s been difficult, oh yes! But it’s been so wonderful too, hasn’t it? We’ve grown. Up, out, in. I’m more like you, now. You’re rubbing off on me – your humor, your warmth, that deep sense of relaxation – the maddening, incomprehensible, and perfect antidote to the ceaseless worry and anxious hurry that’s always been my world. You are so good at letting things be what they are, something that my lifetime of striving has never allowed me to do. I used to think I wanted a partner in my restless wandering. But Abba saw fit to give me an anchor to hold me home.
I fought that, a lot. I still do, when my mind starts spinning and I start worrying about ifs and one days and how abouts. But you remind me every day that Christ gave himself for us, so that we can give ourselves to him. So I give myself (and my anxieties) to him, through blind trust because I can no longer take comfort from predicting what will come of my life, because it is our life now. Marriage is a loss of independence, it is. But it’s been the gaining of a new kind of freedom, because when you are known and loved, you are freer than you ever imagined you could be.
These past 9 months have included:
- learning each others’ home habits (I did not know I would be so vigilant about having a clean kitchen)
- slowly getting to know each others’ families
- finding out each others’ pet peeves, hot topics, and limits
- some fights, some tearful nights, but always new mercies every morning
- me learning how to cook for and feed you (thank you for being such a gracious and un-picky eater)
- you learning my unpredictable food cravings
- laughing at each others’ lame jokes
- figuring out how we socialize and have community as a couple
- moving churches and figuring out what we want and need in a church
- me losing my job and starting a new one (God’s provision!)
- exploring and enjoying our creative hobbies together
- you getting in a car accident (thank God for protecting you!)
- short trips to San Francisco, San Diego, and camping in Humboldt County
- NETFLIX: Fixer Upper, The Crown, and Chef’s Table!
- learning how to disagree on things without rejecting each other (this is so hard for me, but I’m learning from you)
- reading the Word out loud to each other at night (when we remember – we’ll get better at this!)
- hanging out with new friends and deepening relationships with some old ones
- starting to serve at our new church
Life is mundane, isn’t it? But it’s been beautifully so. I am thankful for all of the ways God has shown me these past 9 months that He knows me A LOT better than I know myself. I find that I’m surprised at the contentment, satisfaction, and pure enjoyment that we have on a day to day basis. I was terrified of marriage before I entered into it. I expected constant strain and fear and frustration, but I’ve found it to be more often security, with freedom, and simple joy. I’ve never been more acutely aware of the fact that I’m so undeserving of it than I am now, but I’ve never been more aware that every day we have is filled with God’s grace.
Happy nine months, my husband. I love you!