Okay, so it’s been exactly two months since my last update, which went up on August 24. I just typed out the word “FAIL” and then.. deleted it. Because I will be kind to myself today 😀 And mom life is nothing if not an all-consuming mental exercise which leaves no time for such luxuries as sitting stationary (what?) for more than five minutes (what? what?) and processing your thoughts in a sensible way (what? what? whaaat?). And I only have one kid! Lord bless you mothers of multiple children. The only way I’m able to actually write this post is because I’m now back at work and I’m stealing a couple of minutes to get this up.
Benjamin is four months old tomorrow, and it’s pretty amazing how much he’s developed since my last post. He doesn’t even look like the same baby we brought home from the hospital. He’s enormous, for one, and he’s changed from the sleepy, shapeless blob he once was into a very cognizant, outspoken little boy. His recent accomplishments include rolling over from back to front, grabbing objects with both hands, passing things from hand to hand, grabbing his toes, and the cutest belly-laugh-chuckle.
The other aforementioned update: yes, I’m back at work. It’s been tough, I won’t lie. I’m still waking up at least 2-3 times every night to feed Benjamin, so I’m pretty sleepy most days. Also, the pumping at work. Don’t even get me started. But I think the tougher part is relinquishing the time I’m able to spend with the baby. I had some pretty bad experiences with babysitters and daycare when I was very young, which I think affected me more deeply than the average kid. I’ve always wanted to raise my children myself, because when I was little all I wanted was my parents to be there to care for me. I realize that in our day and age it’s not uncommon to be raised by people other than your parents, because our culture is so work-focused, and because it’s quite difficult to live in Silicon Valley on one income. But that’s not something I wanted for my family and my children. That’s my current struggle, trying to figure out what is the best way forward, how to balance and prioritize our responsibilities. What am I willing to sacrifice and what am I not willing to budge on? It’s a wrench knowing that every day Benjamin learns new things and reaches new milestones, and I’m not the one who’s there to witness it. I wasn’t there to see him roll over the first time, and I might miss his first steps or his first words. I’m not really okay with that.. it makes me so sad. But this is where we are, so we’ll see how things play out these next few months. Lots of things to think about!
But for now.. back to work.